Tag Archives: journey

Taking Charge of My Own Roadshow


It’s taken only about a decade and wondering where “I” went to begin putting the pieces back together. It was a case of Dylan Thomas being right, for me literally: I could not go home again, but I tried and ended up very broken.

letting go

The hardest part is acknowledging that I set myself up for the long fall. I can grasp the concept of having a certain respect for my birth parents for being the vessels by which I arrived here. I could not grasp what they found so objectionable as to deeply disrespect my presence.I am beginning to accept that their issues were not my business. The fact is that I do exist and am obliged to live the best life I can. I have not been doing so. The past decade was one of brutality to myself beyond what another could commit.  

At every turn, I chose incorrectly, recklessly and in doing so, I  paid dearly. The Laws of Attraction, as one new friend reminds me, are there for our higher purpose. My own Laws of Attraction were bringing moving through ...tragedy and trouble from all corners and I became mired in my punishment. How can one expect the greatness that is all around to penetrate a prison of our own design? The answer is simple: it cannot. The prison becomes a solitary cell built on victimization and deceit. I became a victim of circumstances and deceived myself as to my part in the building of the cell.Choice was always present. I walked among the living but remained untouched by them. I had all the world to travel the good road but I stayed in the increasingly darkening alleys until the only safety was the cell..or as told by physicians, PTSD and Panic Disorder.

I believe that all emotion, all choice of action come down to two emotions: fear or love. The capacity to live in love has long been lost to that of fear. Fear manifested as judgement, lack of compassion, unkindness to the point of cruelty and a plethora of other negative manifestations…I gave as good as I got and then heaped more upon myself. Lack of compassion for oneself is as egregious as lack of compassion for others. One cannot offer what one does not own.


Love and Fear
Love and Fear (Photo credit: SavingE)

I have turned a corner and begin healing. Instead, I regressed and my world grew smaller, thinking it was me. Then I found the compassion, beginning with myself, as I believe one must. For many years I trusted others…mostly medical providers…to point me the direction of  healing only to be moved  in the opposite direction. Recently, a bell went off in my head. For all the years I wanted me back, I was taking all the wrong roads. “I” was not  to be found inside the blue-green, blue or white pills. Nor was my compassion, a commitment much beyond my own four walls or my soul. That little shaft of light creeping through the crack of my cell was a lifeline and I grabbed it. Soon, I was researching, prying at the door, finding myself stepping out onto the dark paths that led here…and as I took my first tentative steps, I found more light ahead! I kept moving towards it. I was soon at a crossroads and I chose the lighter one finding the tools  I’d been dropping along the way.

I began to research and found that many of my symptoms could be exacerbated by the very medications that were intended to help. After extensive reading and comparisons, I called the prescribing doctor and advised that I wanted to begin the delicate path back by being properly withdrawn from these addictive and dangerous pills. This option, in itself, is apparently a long and very carefully plotted process. Though I had brought this option up before,it was as though I had never mentioned it! I began to feel resentment: that I wasn’t fully apprised of the ramifications; that they could have played a hand in my worsening symptoms; that I may have been better served by being referred to a more specialized provider and, above all, that my previous attempts to discuss  options of stopping these substances had not been heard! I, however, have neither the time nor the luxury for resentment…they could only worsen things. Next, I contacted my family physician to review my current physical challenges as well as to discuss my mental health treatment decisions, She was delighted and helped me find the next turn in my path. I was elated, especially at having some validation of my new decisions.

I look forward to this new path. I am to meet with a new provider, be re-evaluated and then move on to someone who can help me to acquire the coping skills I’ve studied up on, be weaned off the pills that have taken me from a world view to a pinpoint of vision and take the baby steps that will lead me back to myself…only better. I would say 2.0 but I’ve already been through too many changes to count.

Now, I’ll get to return to me and back on the path of aspirations that I held before the tragedies set in, the downward spiral picked up enough speed to bring the meltdown and I was medicated into near-somnambulance. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about life and what’s ahead. I’m as excited for those around me to finally meet the real me and be part of my progress.Blessed with amazing people and I look forward to being among them and not just being in need of them. I’ve got a lot of giving back to do!


The Perspective of the Sea

Rainer Maria Rilke
Rainer Maria Rilke (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea and the sea drowns them out with its’ great wide sands, cleanses me with its’ noise and imposes a rhythm in me upon everything that is bewildered and confused.

                                                                        Rainer Maria Rilke

As time passes and life’ events ebb and  flow, I think more of what is important to me: peace, serenity, compassion for others as well as myself. To live where I feel truly most alive, where I can walk with the sand of the Earth between my toes, present and feeling my weight pushing against it. To be in time with the ebb and flow, conscious of the gifts that are most treasured: Earth Elephantsimplicity and wonder.

I want to awaken each morning and be lulled to sleep each night by the Creator‘s own remedy, the sound of the waves, rocking me gently. I appreciate the grey and foggy hours as much as I appreciate the warmth of the sun and the blue of the sky, for all are necessary to harmony. I find joy in an evening fire outdoors, warming me against the chill even as it provides the gift that affords me the evening, roasting giant marshmallows with childlike glee and sipping beverages tha warm the insides. Telling stories,sharing memories and making new ones.

My needs there are simple: a small seaside cottage for me, my love and my four-legged children. Maybe a fireplace for the nights or a porch for morning coffee and the meditation that seems to come effortlessly when gazing upon the magnificence of the white-capped waves rolling in. To know my place in a community where I can be of service and not be the anonymous face I have spent a lifetime being in the city where I grew up, the roads that I travelled across this and other lands, the farm I lived on in Canada, so isolated.Canada.

It is at the sea, the wide beaches and seagrass dunes where I find perspective,my place in the Universe. It is there in which I see the truth in the best possible way and can treasure it: that our journey here is brief and valuable; that our presence is as small as the infinitesimal grains of sand beneath our feet and that our footprint  be almost untraceable except for the impact we have upon those whom we touch now and who will feel our touch long after we’ve passed.When my time is done, I hope I will pass gently into the next See Clan MacLachan or Clan Lachlan iste for history, new castle & Clan Chiefrealm. My ashes shall be strewn , in part, on eastern shores, where they shall flow to the waiting shores of my ancestral lands and the remains in my beloved west, where they shall be one with tides of  my adopted home. My spirit….yes, my spirit…will fly free unto the next realm in the journey .
Trinity (Trimuthri)