It’s taken only about a decade and wondering where “I” went to begin putting the pieces back together. It was a case of Dylan Thomas being right, for me literally: I could not go home again, but I tried and ended up very broken.
The hardest part is acknowledging that I set myself up for the long fall. I can grasp the concept of having a certain respect for my birth parents for being the vessels by which I arrived here. I could not grasp what they found so objectionable as to deeply disrespect my presence.I am beginning to accept that their issues were not my business. The fact is that I do exist and am obliged to live the best life I can. I have not been doing so. The past decade was one of brutality to myself beyond what another could commit.
At every turn, I chose incorrectly, recklessly and in doing so, I paid dearly. The Laws of Attraction, as one new friend reminds me, are there for our higher purpose. My own Laws of Attraction were bringing tragedy and trouble from all corners and I became mired in my punishment. How can one expect the greatness that is all around to penetrate a prison of our own design? The answer is simple: it cannot. The prison becomes a solitary cell built on victimization and deceit. I became a victim of circumstances and deceived myself as to my part in the building of the cell.Choice was always present. I walked among the living but remained untouched by them. I had all the world to travel the good road but I stayed in the increasingly darkening alleys until the only safety was the cell..or as told by physicians, PTSD and Panic Disorder.
I believe that all emotion, all choice of action come down to two emotions: fear or love. The capacity to live in love has long been lost to that of fear. Fear manifested as judgement, lack of compassion, unkindness to the point of cruelty and a plethora of other negative manifestations…I gave as good as I got and then heaped more upon myself. Lack of compassion for oneself is as egregious as lack of compassion for others. One cannot offer what one does not own.
I have turned a corner and begin healing. Instead, I regressed and my world grew smaller, thinking it was me. Then I found the compassion, beginning with myself, as I believe one must. For many years I trusted others…mostly medical providers…to point me the direction of healing only to be moved in the opposite direction. Recently, a bell went off in my head. For all the years I wanted me back, I was taking all the wrong roads. “I” was not to be found inside the blue-green, blue or white pills. Nor was my compassion, a commitment much beyond my own four walls or my soul. That little shaft of light creeping through the crack of my cell was a lifeline and I grabbed it. Soon, I was researching, prying at the door, finding myself stepping out onto the dark paths that led here…and as I took my first tentative steps, I found more light ahead! I kept moving towards it. I was soon at a crossroads and I chose the lighter one finding the tools I’d been dropping along the way.
I began to research and found that many of my symptoms could be exacerbated by the very medications that were intended to help. After extensive reading and comparisons, I called the prescribing doctor and advised that I wanted to begin the delicate path back by being properly withdrawn from these addictive and dangerous pills. This option, in itself, is apparently a long and very carefully plotted process. Though I had brought this option up before,it was as though I had never mentioned it! I began to feel resentment: that I wasn’t fully apprised of the ramifications; that they could have played a hand in my worsening symptoms; that I may have been better served by being referred to a more specialized provider and, above all, that my previous attempts to discuss options of stopping these substances had not been heard! I, however, have neither the time nor the luxury for resentment…they could only worsen things. Next, I contacted my family physician to review my current physical challenges as well as to discuss my mental health treatment decisions, She was delighted and helped me find the next turn in my path. I was elated, especially at having some validation of my new decisions.
I look forward to this new path. I am to meet with a new provider, be re-evaluated and then move on to someone who can help me to acquire the coping skills I’ve studied up on, be weaned off the pills that have taken me from a world view to a pinpoint of vision and take the baby steps that will lead me back to myself…only better. I would say 2.0 but I’ve already been through too many changes to count.
Now, I’ll get to return to me and back on the path of aspirations that I held before the tragedies set in, the downward spiral picked up enough speed to bring the meltdown and I was medicated into near-somnambulance. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about life and what’s ahead. I’m as excited for those around me to finally meet the real me and be part of my progress.Blessed with amazing people and I look forward to being among them and not just being in need of them. I’ve got a lot of giving back to do!
- Stop Self-Sabotage by Conquering Your Inner Critic (psychologytoday.com)
- Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation (psp.sagepub.com)
- Re-Defining Compassion To Create Happiness (markgeoffreykirshner.com)
- The Key to Ending Pain with Others (borntoinspire.com)
- The Unwilling Victim of Depression (vabeachkaty.wordpress.com)
- Give Love-to-Receive Love. (dranilj1.wordpress.com)
- Compassion, judgement,pity and the places in between. (ahimsamaven.wordpress.com)
- What Do You Think? (areyouchanging.org)
- We would find ourselves living in a better world. (transientreflections.com)
- Fearlessness, Selflessness, Compassion (ektarwa.wordpress.com)