The warrior I forgot was me; my guardian whose name is part of mine; whose images inked on my arms. Morrigan…fierce, Celtic, not taken lightly. I come from a long line of a warrior clan, survivors in the “old” world and the “new”.
In my last 2 posts, I opened up my own Pandora’s Box in public.
Public being outside of a select few people; a couple of therapists and, long ago, in closed courtrooms. To share this with the world was meditated upon for some time & not done lightly. Turns out, it was one of the most freeing decisions. I come from a long line of a warrior clan, survivors in the “old” world and the “new”.
Beyond all the therapy, one-on-ones with friends & family, etc, this affected me more than all combined. It reminded me of who I once was before PTSD, Depression, Agoraphobia & Panic Disorder set in a few years ago following a long period of multiple trauma. I was fierce, unafraid, a warrior. I’ve wondered where “I” went after all that and would I ever get “me” back. I began to reflect on this: the physical disabilities that plague my body daily & the mental health issues that can rear their ugly heads at any time. As if the sun broke through the fog that I feel surrounding me, an answer came…and with it, the “me” that I’d missed began to come through. The Warrior!
I am not ungrateful to modern medicine and. certainly, my physical issues benefit from them. Now I do, however, take issue with the often well-meaning members of the Psychiatric community. I realize that the reasons I felt lost are complicated and multi-faceted. The first being that I was a member of 12 Step communities, which served me well until I stopped serving myself; the next was listening to a therapist with whom I have had a long-standing and seemingly positive relationship. In retrospect, I believe that all good intentions went awry by one who did not deal with a patient who had problems of this magnitude. I talked, the good doctor listened, when sessions ended, I was given prescriptions to “help” ease the symptoms. The problem was, we spent 6 years never addressing solutions. I suddenly came to realize, and verify through research, that I have been consuming 2 highly addictive medications for far longer than recommended. I had, over time, discussed “stepping down” from them, understanding that one could not just stop them. I never realized the depth of their addictive qualities nor the lengthy process involved in being done with them.
I asked my provider a few days ago if we could please begin this process & he stated that he was happy that I was willing! Where was he on the other occasions I had broached the subject? What else had I talked about that he did not hear? I began to realize that I rarely got any feedback, just a $275. an hour listener. It both saddened and angered me. Hello? Was I merely a voice in the wind? I tried to make sense of why someone would let me go on that long if I presented issues not within their scope. I tried to understand how someone could speak to me of addiction and at the same time dole out addictive substances so readily. Was it for lack of an answer? I like this person very much but I am also enraged at the years I feel were wasted. I am now in a fog, stepping down my dosages of the meds in question. I am taking back my power on all fronts, but especially with my doctors.
I am seeing my general practitioner this week to review my physical issues and request further testing as I suspect there is more than currently diagnosed. Symptoms that don’t make sense. I pray it is not so, but if it is, I want to be present in my care. As to my shrink, I guess I can follow instructions while I debate how to bring closure and find someone more suitable to my needs. There are groups I would like to enter but I must be off of the addictive meds first.
This is not so grim as it sounds. I am elated that I have some answers…that I am on the road back to “me” with an explanation of where it all got lost. I know that I will still suffer bouts of PTSD and all of the other issues, but I am learning new tools to deal with them. The only fog I may feel from time to time will be Fibro Fog & that I can deal with. This is one Pandora’s Box that deserves to be opened….not scary, but exciting. I am looking forward to sharing this journey…
- How to Defeat Fear (shambhala.com)
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Found To Be An Effective Way To Combat Anxiety Disorders (medicalnewstoday.com)
- Wisdom of Many Ages (2voices1song.com)