The Warrior I Forgot

The warrior I forgot was me; my guardian whose name is part of mine; whose images  inked on my arms. Morrigan…fierce, Celtic, not  taken lightly. I come from a long line of a warrior clan, survivors in the “old” world and the “new”.
In my last 2 posts, I opened up my own Pandora’s Box in public.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now
It’s All Coming Back to Me Now (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Public being outside of a select few people; a couple of therapists and, long ago, in closed courtrooms. To share this with the world was meditated upon for some time & not done lightly. Turns out, it was one of the most freeing decisions. I come from a long line of a warrior clan, survivors in the “old” world and the “new”.

 Beyond all the therapy, one-on-ones with friends & family, etc, this affected me more than all combined. It reminded me of who I once was before PTSD, Depression, Agoraphobia & Panic Disorder set in a few years ago following a long period of multiple trauma. I was fierce, unafraid, a warrior. I’ve wondered where “I” went after all that and would I ever get “me” back. I began to reflect on this: the physical disabilities that plague my body daily & the mental health issues that can rear their ugly heads at any time. As if the sun broke through the fog that I feel surrounding me, an answer came…and with it, the “me” that I’d missed began to come through. The Warrior!

I am not ungrateful to modern medicine and. certainly, my physical issues benefit from them. Now I do, however, take issue with the often well-meaning members of the Psychiatric community. I realize that the reasons I felt lost are complicated and multi-faceted. The first being that I was a member of 12 Step communities, which served me well until I stopped serving myself; the next was listening to a therapist with whom I have had a long-standing and seemingly positive relationship. In retrospect, I believe that all good intentions went awry by one who did not deal with a patient who had problems of this magnitude. I talked, the good doctor listened, when sessions ended, I was given prescriptions to “help” ease the symptoms. The problem was, we spent 6 years never addressing solutions. I suddenly came to realize, and verify through research, that I have been consuming 2 highly addictive medications for far longer than recommended. I had, over time, discussed “stepping down” from them, understanding that one could not just stop them. I never realized the depth of their addictive qualities nor the lengthy process involved in being done with them.

Modern drug ampoules
Modern drug ampoules (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I asked my provider a few days ago if we could please begin this process & he stated that he was happy that I was willing! Where was he on the other occasions I had broached the subject? What else had I talked about that he did not hear? I began to realize that I rarely got any feedback, just a $275. an hour listener. It both saddened and angered me. Hello? Was I merely a voice in the wind? I tried to make sense of why someone would let me go on that long if I presented issues not within their scope. I tried to understand how someone could speak to me of addiction and at the same time dole out addictive substances so readily. Was it for lack of an answer? I like this person very much but I am also enraged at the years I feel were wasted. I am now in a fog, stepping down my dosages of the meds in question. I am taking back my power on all fronts, but especially with my doctors.

I am seeing my general practitioner this week to review my physical issues and request further testing as I suspect there is more than currently diagnosed. Symptoms that don’t make sense. I pray it is not so, but if it is, I want to be present in my care. As to my shrink, I guess I can follow instructions while I debate how to bring closure and find someone more suitable to my needs. There are groups I would like to enter but I must be off of the addictive meds first.

This is not so grim as it sounds. I am elated that I have some answers…that I am on the road back to “me” with an explanation of where it all got lost. I know that I will still suffer bouts of PTSD and all of the other issues, but I am learning new tools to deal with them. The only fog I may feel from time to time will be Fibro Fog & that I can deal with. This is one Pandora’s Box that deserves to be opened….not scary, but exciting. I am looking forward to sharing this journey…

English: Pandora's Box
English: Pandora’s Box (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3 thoughts on “The Warrior I Forgot

  1. Good for you, Kaia. I’m so glad for you, that you’ve taken charge of your own future in your actions toward your own medical care. That’s a major first step and one not lightly taken. I have faith that with determination and intent, you will conquer these issues. Perhaps not quickly for physical reasons, but eventually that original you will burst forth in triumph.

    Cheers to you and keep up the good work.

    1. Thanks, Claudsy! So surprised to have such a quick comment. Actualy, my for my physical issues, I am blessed to have great providers. It is my shrin that has proven to be a disappointment & , if you read my previous posts, you’ll see how in need I was of someone who knew what the hell they were doing. A nice guy does not mean a great psych. Oh well, live & learn! What’s your blog?

      1. I have two blogs aside from Two Voices, One Song. and

        Sometimes we are the only ones who can diagnose ourselves since we are our only patient. Those in the medical profession have so many to keep track of, that one looks much like another.

        I think you’re doing well to have come to the conclusions you have and to act on them. That’s the best thing you could ever have done, IMHO.

        Will be looking back in on your progress.

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